Infidelity: How to keep the secret

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category: News

Infidelity: How to keep the secret

Maia Mazaurette, writer, journalist and blogger is back to tell us how to keep our affairs a secret...

The world is a crual place. Already, all studies have shown that loyalty is a key quality sought in marriage, however, as everyone knows; it's easier to make the vow than to keep it. Especially after two years of abstinence and continually finding dirty socks lying around the house. Regrettably, this cruel world does not observe the sound and simple logic of films. In the films, to discover a cheating husband, all a wife has to do is discover the gigantic lipstick marks on her husband’s collar, or a few strands of unknown pubic hair left behind on the pillow.

Hence we’ve been conditioned to believe that keeping infidelity under wraps is going to be simple, but it is not as straightforward as it is in the movies!

Nevertheless, with this, just as with weirdly named volcanoes, a zero chance of risk does not exist. You will have to become more vigilant than homeland security, smarter than James Bond! What do you mean you’re afraid? No way! Well here are two good pieces of news to console you: 1) it's exciting, and 2) we are here to help!

1 – Technological vigilance.

I am starting here because, first off, you're already in front of your screen, and second, because most infidelity is uncovered by a spouse accidently finding a naughty message. While technology makes it easier to have an affair, it also makes it more risky!

Have you activated your private browsing navigator? This is especially important if you are surfing from your personal laptop that you carry with you, or worse, if you're on the home computer. No? Well, it's simple: private browsing allows you to surf the Internet without any of your activities being recorded. No history to clean, no passwords saved, no compromising cookies. (If you do not understand what I just wrote, don’t worry, just follow the guide. It means nobody can trace your movements on Gleeden.) For details depending on your browser, follow this link which will explain everything.

Remember to exit private browsing mode after you finish using it, so as not to attract suspicion. And remember your password!

Don’t feel like tampering with browsers, since you're at work? Ok, but do not even think about communicating with your lover if you’re not using an email address created specifically for that reason. It is completely out of the question to use a personal or work email account. In addition to causing problems with your HR manager, you run the risk of transmission errors (he who has never sent an email to the wrong person cast the first stone). The division between public life and private life is the key to happiness (Buddha says so in all his books).

Now, to tackle the phone. Texting is your worst enemy, at least when it’s not your itemized monthly bill, or your call history, or your email. If you believe that your spouse does not snoop through your business, YOU ARE WRONG. Even without snooping, problems can arise - a call while you’re in shower, an emergency where you’ve just been hit by a truck... or even a simple glance over your shoulder. The most reasonable course to take is to never keep text messages (copy them elsewhere if you're the sentimental type), or even use another phone outright (okay okay, we know that not everyone are Wall Street traders!). In any case, be warned: the biggest pitfall is definitely the phone!

2. Vigilance in conversation

I do not want to crush your hopes, but people are gossips. Unreliable gossips, at that.I am without a doubt a touch paranoid, but from my point of view, a well-kept secret is a secret that is taken to the grave. The ideal solution would be to not discuss your affair with anyone. At all. Ever. Do not slip up. Even your best friend can drink too much and use your secret to seek revenge over a trifle, or keep your secret ... and just tell one other person. Then that person will only tell one other person, who tells the next, then the next, until half the town knows and you are the hot topic of the grape vine, which could get back to your partner at any time. Do you want to live with the sword of Damocles hanging over your head? No, eh?

Not getting discovered also means that we do not, under any circumstances talk about our infidelity to our partner. Even during a massive argument or a moment of guilt after your partner asks you straight out. Infidelity is done to have fun, not to injure the other person. When you make the plunge into infidelity, you assume you must lie to the every end (unless you're really caught in the act, then you’re just adding insult to injury). If you have a little bit of empathy, never use the secret as a weapon. Keep your lips sealed and observe a vow of silence. Yes, taking a lover is like entering the secret service!

I do not advise you to remember the name of the person whom you’re sleeping with; to my knowledge, yelling "Catherine" when you made your vows to "Brenda" will certainly get their attention. It doesn’t only happen in movies.

3. Vigilance in your actions

The most obvious caution is to take condoms when you go to meet someone. But I am not here to give you a lesson on unprotected sex. It would be cruel to remind you that in addition to venereal disease, you would be risking pregnancy, divorce, two families to take care instead of one, and then you will end up dying alone and being eaten by Alsatians. I do not like to stress the importance of the disastrous consequences of green and yellow pustules pushing on your genitals. Not to mention the scales, and the pain. Just so you know, taking a shower after sex does not prevent STDs, but for getting rid of the smell, it works pretty well.

At a purely geographical level, it goes without saying that you must avoid going to the bakery you regularly frequent with your partner(or really any place you go as a couple). For places which are bit mischievous, or downright risqué, nothing will protect you better than the guilty secrets of others. If you happen to bump into your boss or your pastor, in the middle of an ultra private club and they have their arm around some young lady, they are likely to be as embarrassed as you, and your secret is safe. If, however, you bump into your own spouse, I don’t believe you (or you should go play the lottery the next day). Ditto for avoiding bringing home any gifts, or scratches down your back, although I consider, for the health of my own sanity that no one would actually think of doing that in real life.

And finally, as the Swiss like to remind us frequently: any secret needs to have financial secrecy too. If you go to a hotel or restaurant, pay in cash. Yes, affairs cost a little money. You can also fall back on making love in the wilderness, or in your car, but these activities require the skills of a contortionist and scratch resistance that I personally have never had.

And for those with paranoia?

Thank you, it's going pretty well. Viewed from the end of this article, you might think you've been bombarded with advice, and that infidelity is almost as horribly complicated three-dimensional Sudoku. But you already know most of these recommendations if you think about it. Common sense is your best asset in this endeavor. While it's true, secrecy requires much more energy than finding a hotel that charges from 5-7. But these are the rules of the game, and without the thrill, there’s no fun!