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Fidelity is a difficult art, and it never forgives. While no one would think of themselves as an alcoholic for having had a glass of champagne on New Year’s Eve, everyone seems to find seeing oneself as unfaithful after one tiny escapade normal. Irrevocably unfaithful. And no one, nothing, can wash away the affront made to the other party, even after twenty years ago, even if it was during trying times, even if…
Fidelity is an all-or-nothing matter. Why? Is sexuality so sacred that the tolerance we are so apt at showing in every other domain (eating richly on momentous occasions, drinking too much when celebrating, talking too much after a heartbreak) suddenly becomes unthinkable? Could one be incredible sportive, very greedy, passably lazy, but never “just a little” unfaithful?
And yet, that is the case. For most of us, infidelity is an exception, a small treat, not a lifestyle. Unfaithfuls rarely leave their spouse, and are not necessarily unhappy within their relationship.
At the heart of the problem lies the fact that trust is seen as a block of concrete. It can break, but never bend, understand or be repaired. And it is said to fall to pieces with the weakest of crashes instead of – perhaps – being polished and worn over time. Fidelity is not so much what is made sacred as is the promise made to the other party.
A promise made in unclear terms, as no one knows where infidelity begins exactly, in what situations it becomes a solution, or if exceptions are possible. We are not exactly keen on discussing the matter at the town hall, or when the relationship becomes difficult. It is only when we’re up against the wall, therefore, that we discover trust as not actually that monolithic. And, honestly…we like adding drama to the situation, imagining that the two lovers are united against the neglected party, that any swerve from the road is an absolute and irrevocable abandonment.
But if there is a topic that ought to be considered in shades of grey, it is that of the couple, its challenges and limits. No matter the label some will want to impose on the “crime” of infidelity, let us stay reasonable and keep a cool head – it will only ever mean having been a just a little curious, just a bit fragile, just a tad human. Just a little. Nothing deserving of absolute and eternal damnation.
Maïa Mazaurette is the author of the blog sexactu and several books, among which “Dare to make online encounters”.
