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category: News

Maïa's Column: "How to handle jealousy?"

Jealousy is a very common feeling that can sometimes hurt relationships... How to handle or ignore it? Find the answers with our sexpert Maïa Mazaurette!

We don’t react the same when it comes to jealousy. On a spectrum that would go from “horrible crime” (if you cheat on me I will kill 150 people) to “Let me watch if you cheat on me”, most of us are in the middle, in a zone going from betrayal to a divorce or an open relationship where you do what you want without telling your partner. You also have polyamorous people, who are like fishes in water!

But why are “non-jealous” people a minority? There is a gap of the size of the Brooklyn bridge between words (in a nutshell, 90% of people say that fidelity is an essential value for a successful marriage) and acts (half of men and a two-thirds of females have been unfaithful at least once in their life)?

What is at the core of « non-jealous » people and is their experience sharable? Are you doomed to experience horrible doubts until the end of times? Let’s analyze some recurrent facts:

It is difficult to be jealous when you have never been dumped

With all the empathy possible in the world, it is better to already have experienced a pain to be afraid of it. Non-jealous people often come from stable families, with no drama. Some of them never left their families. No Oedipus complex, no bitterness: nothing to stress about!

It is difficult to be jealous when you have something specific to offer

If there is something really special about (that makes you even more special to your partner), there is no reason why the latter should look for someone new (who would be “new” for a night) Your partner will always end up coming back home because life is more adventurous with you / sex is great / we just renovated the kitchen. I think that even the most « ordinary » person can give this impression of uniqueness: some men and women are reassured by ordinariness and believe that being in the norm is more comfortable. All in all, everybody has a chance not to be jealous!

It is difficult to be jealous when you sincerely do not want to possess your partner

Emotional and sexual needs exist. But they also exist away of our grass. If we talk about random infidelity that no one will discover, and if your partner doesn’t totally neglect you, the only benefit of being faithful is knowing that the person is faithful. Who cares? You or your partner has too much love to give, too much libido, is too attracted by your accountant or bank counselor? That’s his/her life. (If not, just start tattooing all your partners « I’m lost, call this number and my master will get a reward of £200 »)

It is difficult to be jealous when you don’t really care

You can be romantic and not really caring about your potential partner’s infidelity. As long as you have a roof on top of your head and a big fat burger in your plate, everything will be alright, right? Of course, this situation would be ideal for some people in a relationship, who would not only lose their partners but also their income and maybe their kids.

It is difficult to be jealous when you know you are loved

It is clear: unfaithful couples are not less in love than others. Unless you really want to make a confusion between sex and feelings, unless you consider that you cannot have different types of feeling for different types of people (parental love / romantic love for instance) A good relationship is a good one no matter what happens during “late night meetings”. Go and see if grass is greener, fine. But leaving for good, no way. Again, infidelity is not a risk for your relationship, so why being jealous?

Among these different factors, some don’t depend on you (like your education, your personal story, your financial situation) But you have some room for improvement. And the real possibility to decide who you want to be with. What if jealousy was a choice? What if we decided to… take life on the bright side by refusing to be the one who doubts, who spies on, who wants to control everything?

Let it go: be more flexible, have a nicer marital life… And because it’s important, better nights. Kind of tempting when you know that an hour of extra sleep increases women’s libido of 14%!