Are there different types of infidelity?

We could just about say that there are as many infidelities as there are couples. The notion of infidelity is very relative: every one has their own views on marriage and their own boundaries. To have a special link with a third person, whether it’s chatting on the internet, meeting up or having sexual relationships, is considered as an infidelity, even if actually doing the act remains essential. What pushes someone to be unfaithful? In a marriage, two-timing could be a way to support a sudden or reoccurring problem. It could also be a cry for help. Some infidelities are a way of being in the world, a particular or reoccurring interpersonal behaviour with a purpose of creating a curious and relevant account of a personal exploration.

Is infidelity automatically seen as a problem in a couple?

Let’s just say that infidelity is often an emerging behaviour in a marriage. If one feels something is missing, is unsatisfied or like there is a vacancy, a partner will look elsewhere for something they no longer find at home. When this search is for a personal, sporting or associative investment, it is socially accepted! This does not mean that it doesn’t affect a couple, far from it! The complaint about these exterior investments in a couple comes up often in a couple’s consultation, even if there is not a third person involved! It’s when there is a separate relationship, with or without sex, that a couple becomes alarmed. However, it’s when either one or the other – or both – need to spend a lot of time outside of the relationship in order for things to go well in their life as a couple, that we tend to think that their marriage is suffering and needs to be questioned. Turning to an exterior aid in order to understand what is going on in a marriage can really help a couple, giving them time to take a break.

Do unfaithful men and women behave in the same way?

The sex panorama has completely changed in the space of a few decades. Men stray less and less from the traditional patterns of sexuality as do women from those of affection! There tends to be less of a difference in behaviour and even a reversal! Partners say they look for someone to listen to them and understand them: It is often solitude that is mentioned first, as if a sexual relationship was minor. But it isn’t.

The curve in divorce continues to rise. Should one conclude that being in a couple is no longer a model of fulfilment?

Let’s just say that being in a relationship has become in reality a model of fulfilment in a way that no one has ever seen before. Infidelity is so difficult to accept that today people choose their partners freely. The desire to stray is therefore beyond understanding since today it is the freedom of desire and feelings which make a couple and its stability, where as before it was still the institutional link. The couple is from now on seen as the place for all one’s satisfactions. It’s new and the bar is set high! Don’t forget that just a hundred years ago, a marriage lasted on average 10 years, except that you were a widow, not divorced! With the increase in life expectancy, one can reinvent everything! A marriage is built one day at a time and is a relationship which gets through unavoidable life conflicts, by talking, understanding and accepting one another’s differences. Seeing someone else does not resolve the problems of absence or communication difficulties in a couple. This is why turning to a professional can help one understand what is going on and find a consensual solution to a relationship crisis in a couple. Family and marriage counsellors are the professionals made for this.

Bénédicte Maufrais
Family and marriage counsellor